Unsaid Words, Unsent Letters
Dear those I know or have known once upon a time
Unsaid Words, Unsent Letters is a series based on an idea picked up from my dusty notebook and something that I had been briefly experimenting in the blog to figure out its platform. UWUL is a personal, resentful, cross between a journal and a letter, deep with longing, and often with anger, my vacuumed words to people I know or once knew. For privacy of the acquaintances, and for the keepsake of my resentment and cowardice, details have been changed and initials randomised.
Dear N,
I don’t know what it is that I have done to deserve such a cold hearted response from you. Is it my disoriented sense of time or friendship that I’m latching onto something far far away? Within the same space of time, did so much happen for you that the distance is greater for you? I understand that I wasn’t there during certain periods because at that time I couldn’t even be available to myself. But even then I tried my best. I know I have failed you, but I didn’t have the capacity, and knowing what I know now it shouldn’t be something that I need to be apologising to anybody about. We used to be close, I thought. That’s why we met here and there through time and again. But what changed? Is it simply that you did? Since when did I become someone so insignificant to you that I’m not even worthy of a decent hello or a decent reply? Since when are silences and emojis okay? I thought our friendship was more than that. Somehow I thought I would be more than that to you. If anything, there’s time, the years accumulated. Isn’t that something? Or is it one man’s treasure, another’s trash sort of thing? Perhaps for you because you have lived your life well, a longevity of friendship is something plethora. It could be that. My real anger is towards myself. The disappointment is in our lack of friendship and in you. I’m angry at myself for not learning my lesson. For not picking up the cue. For not giving up on communicating. For not accepting. For still caring. It really would be better for me if I had geared all these cares towards my life. I mean I need some if not a whole truckload of it. The problem with me, out of many that I have, is that I had learned to long for friends and still haven’t quite learned to let go. In that sense, this is my act of letting go. To say goodbye. That it was nice, really nice to have known you. Thank you for your friendship. I hope you lead a good life. And bye. It still sucks though what happened to our friendship. And I’m disappointed. And let down. And I wanted to have the last word. And perhaps I don’t really want to know why because if I know then I might care. But I’m not going to care, so bye.
P.S. When I chose the song, because I happened to have listened to it in the afternoon and liked it, I wasn’t aware of the lyrics. How befitting. What a coincidence. That’s what friendship sounds like in a song I realise transcending language.